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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23790520">At Least Out Loud, I Won't Say I'm In</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/earthwindandfiber/pseuds/earthwindandfiber'>earthwindandfiber</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>A Song of Ice and Fire &amp; Related Fandoms, A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>'friends', Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, First Time, Fluff, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Light Angst, Not Actually Unrequited Love, One Shot, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, for now, in either a good or bad way I suppose, no smut but frank discussion of post-sex logistics if you care about that?, plot without porn, post-smut</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 22:20:30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,586</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23790520</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/earthwindandfiber/pseuds/earthwindandfiber</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>After ages of Brienne being friends with Jaime but wanting more, the unimaginable has happened: they’ve had sex. </p><p>… Now what?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jaime Lannister/Brienne of Tarth</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>81</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>250</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>At Least Out Loud, I Won't Say I'm In</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hello! If you feel that this fic starts abruptly, you’re right. The basic context is that Jaime and Brienne are longtime friends and one day she said was unhappy about being a virgin, so he offered to relieve her of this burden. Having pined for him for years, she accepted, despite reservations. This picks up immediately after the sex has ended.</p><p>A more thorough explanation (addressing topics such as “why did you write this” and “where are the missing pieces”) can be found in the End Notes, so that people can read it either before or after, according to preference.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Slowly Brienne came back to herself and realized she was still clutching Jaime’s shoulders with trembling fingers. She reddened when she remembered the noises she had made, and covered her face with her hand. She tasted salt.</p><p>“Back, are we?” He rumbled a soft laugh as he stroked her hair and pressed his lips to her temple. He held her like she was some precious thing, and her heart ached with how kind he was being to her; far more than the requisite amount of kindness for a friend doing another friend a favor. She was very lucky.</p><p>He shifted, moving off of her, <em>out</em> of her, leaving her bereft, and even though the weight on her chest lightened it was hard to breathe. It was only to be expected, she’d already imposed on him more than she should, and yet some wild reckless part of her bubbled up and forced her to tighten her grip on his arm. “Jaime?” she asked, cursing herself.</p><p>He paused. “Yes?”</p><p>She was quiet for a long moment, flushed and miserable, searching for the courage to either speak her mind or let him leave her alone in her bed.</p><p>He traced the line of her cheek and jawline with two fingers, carefully moving her hair behind her ear. “What is it, Brienne?”</p><p>She was already so exposed; there could be nothing gained from demurring now. “Stay?” she asked in a whisper, half-hoping he wouldn’t hear. “Please… please stay.”</p><p>Something flickered across Jaime’s face. He recovered quickly and rearranged his features into a smooth smile. “Of course. I just have to do something quick.” He gave her a peck on the forehead, squeezed her hand, and then he was gone, leaving her bed much colder and lonelier than it had ever been before he was in it.</p><p>Brienne lay there, feeling the trickle of her and him cool between her legs. She felt a kind of tender ache, strange and wholly new. Distantly, she heard rapid steps and the sound of her apartment door closing. She waited, and waited. All was quiet. Tears pricked her eyes and she chided herself for her foolishness. If she had expected more, it was no one's fault but her own.</p><p>Then the door swung open again, followed by a sharp slam and the click of her deadbolt. Jaime strode back through her doorway dressed in the clothes he had worn earlier, although she only caught a glimpse as he was already pulling off his shirt when he walked in and sat on the edge of her bed. His torso gleamed golden in the lamplight. “Are you tired? I’m kinda beat but if you want to stay up a little while I don’t mind; we could eat something, or watch TV, whatever you like.” He pondered. “On second thought, I may need to get some food even if you’re not hungry — for some reason I feel <em>ravenous</em>.” He winked at her. “But I'm sure you wouldn't know anything about that.”</p><p>She stared. He watched her, nonchalantly miraculous. Eventually she found her voice. “I-I’m pretty sleepy, I guess.”</p><p>“Say no more. Oh, but if you don’t mind a suggestion? You might want to go pee now, rather than wake up in the middle of the night. Much less fun. I speak from personal experience.”</p><p>Brienne was already cold, but made herself pull back the sheet. She saw Jaime swallow as her nipples stiffened from the chill. “Here, I'll help you with clean-up. It’s not fair for you to get stuck with all of it.” He brought a tissue over and gently wiped the stickiness from her thighs and what lay between them, being careful with her soreness.</p><p>As he helped her to stand on quavery legs Jaime glanced behind her and snorted. “Do you, ah, have a preference for which side of the bed to sleep on?”</p><p>Did she? “Left?”</p><p>“Oh, good.” She turned her head to look at the bed and blushed to the roots of her hair when she saw the damp spot she’d left on the right side of her sheets. “Hey, it’s okay! It happens. Occupational hazard. I’ll just put a towel down or something, it’s fine.” She couldn’t quite meet his eyes and he leaned in to whisper in her ear. “Surely you don’t think I’m upset to see how wet you got for me?” Brienne swayed toward him involuntarily. “Who wouldn’t want proof that they’re a stone-cold sex god?”</p><p>She shoved at him in indignation and he stumbled a little, laughing. “Such <em>violence.</em> Go, so you can come back quickly. I won’t be able to sleep without those ice cubes on the end of your legs that you call feet.” She kicked him lightly when she passed, as punishment, but he only laughed harder.</p><p>One of her bathroom fixtures had burned out yet the light was still harsh and revealing as Brienne stared into the mirror. She looked… like the veteran of an orgy in a wind tunnel. Her hair, never her crowning glory to begin with, was sticking out in five different directions. Her neck, her chest, her — oh, gods — her <em>navel</em> had rosy marks from his stubble. Her lips were more swollen than she’d ever seen them in her life and as she turned she saw a cluster of hickeys on her buttock. She drew a ragged breath in, and her throat was hoarse from the effort.</p><p>Brienne had expected that something would show in her face, her demeanor, once she was no longer a virgin, but aside from the obvious she thought she looked much the same. Although the smile that kept quirking at the corner of her mouth was new.</p><p>She made sure it was gone by the time she was back in her room. Jaime had somehow found snacks and was stretched out in her bed wearing only underwear, breathtaking and louche. “Why, hello there,” he drawled, popping a piece of cheese in his mouth and flashing a grin, more at-ease after five minutes than she had ever been in three years of living in this apartment. His eyes raked over her body, lingering on her breasts and the thatch of hair at the juncture of her legs, and she suddenly became conscious of her nakedness. Did he expect her to put something on too?</p><p>Jaime must have noticed the way her hands fidgeted and moved to tentatively cover herself. “There’s no need to get dressed on my account,” he told her. “I just wanted to be a polite houseguest and not pull a knife on you in the night.” She stared at him uncomprehending for a moment, and then her eyes widened and her face burned as she realized what he meant. “Of course, it’s your home, so I won’t insist on you remaining nude either. You should do whatever you feel most… <em>comfortable</em> with.”</p><p>Brienne didn’t like the dare in his voice, nor his smirk, so she stalked over to the bed and stretched exaggeratedly for several seconds, throwing in some grunts and groans, before slipping between the sheets. She chanced a peek at Jaime, but rather than being cowed he looked as though his nameday had come early. Damnable man.</p><p>“Did I <em>say</em> you could eat in my bed?” she demanded, a trifle sharply.</p><p>His voice was low and conspiratorial. “You didn’t seem to mind it before.”</p><p>She sputtered in protest but couldn’t find the words for a suitable reply, settling instead on a glare whose severity was, she knew, unfortunately offset by the extreme redness of her face.</p><p>“Did you know that your blush goes all the way down to your belly button? I didn’t think that was physically possible.” Looking at her expression again, he sighed and relented. “Canapé?”</p><p>Brienne seized the subject change with both hands. “I did <em>not</em> have canapés in my refrigerator.”</p><p>“No, but you don’t survive a hundred stifling Lannister parties without being able to entertain in times of crisis.” She gave in and took a proffered cracker stacked high with different foods. It was delicious. <em>Like its creator. </em>Oh, this was bad.</p><p>They sat and chewed for several minutes, making small talk, and Brienne felt unease slowly pool in her stomach. Chatting and eating were well within their normal range of activities, but sleeping together — in either sense — was not. Her eyelids were growing heavy, but she couldn’t bring herself to ask him to go to bed. She didn’t see how she could have any compunctions left, after what they had just… done together, but apparently sexual intimacy was not a guarantor of other types of closeness. Must every new frontier be equally awkward, equally daunting?</p><p>He yawned hugely. “Well, I’m fading fast. Best get to bed, hmm?”</p><p>“Oh! A-all right. Yes, that’s fine.” She rearranged her pillows and turned off her lamp, leaving only the bathroom to spill a tepid beam of light into the room. She was unaccustomed to sleeping without pajamas, and the sweat on her body had begun to evaporate, leaving her chilled, but she remembered Jaime’s crack about her feet and was careful not to cross the midline of the bed. She gritted her teeth to stop them from chattering. She would warm up eventually.</p><p>She turned on her side to watch him while she waited, sure he would already be asleep. Instead, he faced her. “Well?”</p><p>Brienne furrowed her brow. Well, what?</p><p>Jaime looked offended. “I already told you earlier. Get those cold feet over here.”</p><p>She shook her head vehemently. “I’m not c-col — ” Her denial was cut off by a full-body shiver.</p><p>He rolled his eyes, groaned in exasperation, and shot out an arm to yank her — none too gently — to his side. There was a bit of a tussle but after a few heated seconds Brienne found herself sprawled half on top of him, with her right leg lying parallel to his left and the other stretched out across his abdomen. The awkwardness of her position made it difficult for her to support her weight, having only her toes and the fingers of one hand available, but still she was careful not to crush him with her bulk.</p><p>“Why can’t you trust me?” She froze. “Just relax, you’ll never get to sleep if you’re wound up like a spring. Gods, you’re not <em>that</em> big,” he grumbled. Slowly, she let her body sink onto his, waiting for his protest, but he was silent. To test him, she let herself drop the rest of the way like a dead weight. Aside from a slight grunt as the air was expelled from his lungs, Jaime's only response was to hum and anchor her against him with his left arm.</p><p>The awareness that his warm body was touching hers — her legs, her arms, even (yes) her feet — made her head light and heart pound. Her spine tingled from where he had carelessly let his hand fall. Even lying limp, Brienne had never felt less relaxed in her life. She could smell some spicy piney scent that she thought must be his soap. It had an undercurrent of sweat and… something else, that made her think of how it was to have him on her and all around her, groaning into her ear —</p><p>She stopped that train of thought before it could go any further. What had already happened was so astonishingly unlikely that she would probably wake to find it had been a dream. She had to keep her wits about her. It just wouldn’t <em>do</em> to get more invested, she had to maintain boundaries, no matter <em>how…</em></p><p>Oh, who was she kidding? Even if he never touched her again, she would have to take a knife and carve him out of her heart herself if she wanted him gone from it.</p><p>Jaime interrupted her musings on her own wretchedness with his usual arrogance. “See?” he whispered, his hot breath ghosting down her neck. “Isn’t this nice?”</p><p>Brienne shivered again, but not from the cold. “No.”</p><p>“Pigheaded strumpet.”</p><p>“Brute.”</p><p>He gasped. “You <em>wound</em> me.” But she felt his grip on her relax, giving her the space she had claimed to want. She inched the tiniest bit closer to him, hoping he wouldn’t notice. He said nothing, but Brienne had had her fill of self-denial and recklessly let herself imagine that his expansive stretch and shift back towards her a few minutes later was his way of stealthily reciprocating. It was too late — in the day, in her <em>life</em> — to stem the tide of her Jaime-ward affections any longer, and she was tired.</p><p>“Oh I am <em>spent,</em> woman,” he murmured into her hair. “What is it they say? It’s always the quiet ones you need to worry about?”</p><p>She thought of all the times they had bickered over the TV remote or how many push-up reps should go in a set. “I would hardly say that I was quiet.”</p><p>Too late she realized what she’d said. “No, you’re not, are you?” He sounded delighted.</p><p>“I can’t believe I gave you that opening,” Brienne muttered. She felt rather than saw his grin widen and cut him off hastily. “Or that one — do <em>not</em> say what you were about to say. It’s not too late to banish you to the couch.” Her stomach swooped and again she cursed her rash tongue. Someday he might actually take her seriously, and then where would she be?</p><p>Jaime's hand stuttered in its gentle stroking of her back, and then resumed. “Surely you wouldn’t be so cruel as to kick me out when I just put three days’ worth of quarters in the parking meter.”</p><p>Something bloomed in her chest and she burrowed deeper into his arms. “I suppose I can be generous, just this once.”</p><p>“Very noble of you.” He touched his free hand to hers and squeezed her fingers.</p><p>Her voice was sluggish. “I… strive to be honorable.”</p><p>He huffed a near-soundless laugh. “I know.”</p><p>She laid her head on him and felt the rise and fall of his breath as it became more regular.</p><p>“Jaime?”</p><p>He grunted a response, possibly in his sleep. “Mm.”</p><p>She whispered into his chest, too low for him to hear. “Thank you for staying with me.”</p><p>He grunted again and was silent, but then she felt his finger under her chin, drawing her up to face him. He met her eyes and leaned in to give her another easy peck, this time on her lips. She blushed again, overawed by his gentle sweetness, but somehow her tongue found its way into his mouth and the kiss swirled into a maelstrom that left her gasping and gulping for air when at last he wrenched himself free. Brienne knew she ought to be embarrassed, but he was breathing just as heavily, and she felt the evidence of his appreciation twitch under her thigh.</p><p>“My gods, you are going to be the death of me, aren’t you,” he got out between pants.</p><p>She was already giddy from fatigue and Jaime's kisses, and his strange non-sequitur pushed her over the edge into a fit of uncontrollable giggles. His eyebrows shot up but then he shook his head in mock resignation, fighting a smile. “You’re merciless. What did I <em>just </em>say? Close those eyes and go to sleep. Take pity on a worn-out husk of a man.”</p><p>Brienne did as he asked, feeling guilty for keeping him awake. But she trusted he would forgive her in the morning. He was, after all, a very good friend.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>So this little scrap of nothing was beamed into my head, pretty much fully-formed, at the beginning of March (in a hotel room the night before an interview, of all the times and places). I don’t know where it came from, I don’t know who wants it or who it’s for, but it refused to leave me alone until I published it, so here it is. </p><p>As background, I was thinking of how in an established relationship, one doesn’t generally say the actual words “I love you” all day long, but it’s still expressed in countless nonverbal ways, many of which might seem inconsequential to someone who wasn’t aware and in the relationship themselves. So the idea of writing a scene in which one person is Loud As Fuck about their love yet not verbalizing it because Reasons, and the other person is largely oblivious, appealed to me greatly, and I set it post-sex because it seemed one of the most vulnerable and stripped-bare positions a person could be in — especially if they were uncertain of their partner’s true feelings. So we also have Bonus Angst (you’re welcome or I’m sorry, depending on your preferences).</p><p>I have been working — ever since this was finished in March — on a prequel, so to speak (the ‘pre’ and ‘mid’ that go with this post-smut scene), but writer’s block and the world being on fire have sapped my confidence and ability such that I have no idea how much if any is actually worth reading, or what would be a normal/proportionate amount to accompany this one (2K words? 4K? 8K?), and it just keeps pointlessly unspooling onto the google doc like a roll of black market toilet paper. So this might get additional parts someday but I don’t want to promise anything specific, although any feedback about the prospect is welcome. For now, I hope that what is already here tickles someone’s fancy; I was holding off on posting it because doing something immediately post-smut without delivering the good stuff feels like a real party foul, but I cracked.</p><p>Oh, and in keeping with my tradition of using only the most Hip and Current songs as title fodder, this one comes from Disney’s 'Hercules'. You’re welcome, 90’s kids. There is also a tiny Buffy reference in the main body, for maximum cultural relevance. </p><p>If you want to follow another person flailing around on tumblr, I can be found at @sapphiresandsunlight.</p><p>(For eagle-eyed readers, I do have a WIP that is very much not abandoned, but the aforementioned reduction in abilities has wiped out whatever aptitude I might have once had for writing plot, so it’s slow going right now. But it will be back, I promise; parts of several chapters are already written.)</p></blockquote></div></div>
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